Blogging the VMAs

read from the bottom going upward

Missy Elliot wins again, and she remembered to thank God. I bet Gwen is rethinking her acceptances in the future.

Coldplay is performing and their piano says "MTF" on the side. That Chris, he's so cryptic. It took me awhile to figure out what the = on his hand meant (fair trade).

Well, I've had enough of the Diddy show. Unless Fergie pees her pants, my blogging is done.

Diddy is giving us the history of his name. Yawn.

Jeremy Piven and Lil Kim are presenting. He's making jokes about her going to jail. Her posse shoots people, so Piven better watch it.

Diddy is leading an orchestra with some guy rapping on the video screen...I'm guessing its Biggie/Notorious B.I.G. Snoop came out to sing for a second, but like everything on this show, it's all very ADD.

There's an hour left and Gwen hasn't won anything. She's probably wishing she did boycott after all.
I am so white, I have no idea what is happening right now. It appears to be another dance off sans Diddy.

Missy Elliot wins and thanked God first. I bet God was beginning to wonder what was up.

Eric Roberts (as in Julia's haggard brother) just came out and said "who likes Mtv?" What a dork. And he plugged his stepson's album. Cheesy. Did they run out of white people to invite?

Hide your daughters. R. Kelly. Doing a horrible lip synch job, and it's a horrible song. Shouldn't he be in jail for something? This song perhaps.

Dressed as the tallest pimp ever, Shaq surprises the audience. I guess he plays for Miami?

Someone named Shakita is performing, which reminds me of my taquitos- time to eat!
(wait a sec- its Shakira, but Jessica Alba said it with such a thick accent it sounded like Shaquita...I love when Latina's like Alba are ethnic for one word)
Green Day wins. Nothing exciting happens.

Diddy is having a dance off. I'm not kidding. Even Destiny's Child looks confused.

Diddy is announcing a secret performance- MC Hammer. Seriously. The parachute pants are gone, and the performance was about 30 seconds. Weird.

Oh barf. Simpson sisters. Ashlee is annoying and Jessica is dressed like a ho. You have to see the back of her dress.

Alicia Keys wins and doesn't thank God. Interesting.

Yo, Ludacris just performed, which was perfect because I had to check on the taquitos. No offense, Lud. But I think the days of when I liked a VMA performer went away with Pearl Jam.

Diddy just gave some random person in the audience some of his bling. Saying "Anything Can Happen" and announcing they are giving away $100,000 cash, Diddy obviously thinks he's Oprah.

Ha ha! Diddy just said "remember vote or die". Ah ha ha ha

Yes I am way too old to be watching the VMAs, but I like to try and stay hip. Do people even say hip anymore? Anyways here we go...

Green Day opens, does a dandy performance. Diddy comes out and has some weird intro for himself. Of course, it involves skanks.

Lohan, in a dreadful dress, and Nelly come out...bad banter...they announce best male and female video awards to- Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson. Gwen looks pissed. She was robbed. Kelly is wearing an unflattering dress, but she looks excited and says "my vote was for Gwen" ouch.


Hurricane Gwen

Don't forget to tune into the MTV VMA's on Sunday to watch talentless stars' hair extensions get blown off while their mystic tans drip down their plastic-surgery-altered bodies. I think Gwen Stefani was responsible for the hurricane as revenge to MTV for not inviting her to perform at the show. Hollaback that YO!


The Best Comedy Show on TV

If you're bored, drunk or high on sugar, tune into Larry King. Pure comedy. He's just so old and crotchety and asks inappropriate questions, it's very entertaining.

When Pam Anderson was on, he asked her 13 questions about her breasts, including "do they expand on tv?"

The 2nd best show if you're drunk or high on sugar? (notice I left out bored, because you really need something for this one): Golden Girls. Just for about 5 minutes. Just long enough for one joke each: Dorothy is a man, Rose talks about St. Olaf and Blanche is a ho.

Larry King and The Golden Girls, those geriatrics are hilarious!

BTW- find out which Golden Girl you are!
(OMG- I'm Sophia)


Annoying Advice Man

Oprah has the co-author of He's Just Not That Into You on today. He is creepy, with a perma-brow lifted like The Rock. Why are women taking advice from this clown?


The Missing Report

-A Hollywood producer ditched his wife at a store and drove to another state with his daughter. They were later found dead; he had a heart attack and accidentally suffocated his daughter while she slept: cnn

-"You're the one that I want, doo doo doo doo". Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend pulls a Scott Peterson on himself? He's missing after a fishing trip (and why did it take so long for anyone to report him missing?): msnbc

-A record producer called a friend in the middle of the night saying he was being chased by people with dogs. He is missing, and had recently been part of an internet scam (uh, people actually pay attention to those emails??): msnbc

-An actress, who no one knows (she's been on the Gilmore Girls in a minor role) went missing and has been found. Her agent is brilliant! No one heard of her before this, now she'll be at the Spider Club with Lohan: msnbc

In SFU News:
-The sad song from Six Feet Under that accompanied the old people falling over and Claire driving was "Breathe Me" by Sia, available on iTunes. I don't know if I can download it- I'll just picture poor Keith being shot. But, Ted does have good taste (even if he did vote for W).


No Talent Whores of the Week

Jessica's even less talented little sister has a movie coming out...a movie. It just ain't right.

Maria Menudo or whatever her name is, is sooo annoying that she got promoted! Can the Today show handle Katie and Maria? eck!

My Dream Has Come True...

Babs and Barry together again. Woo hoo!

Six Feet Under RIP

It took me a day to compose myself after the finale- that was a 5 Zanax episode.

I'm curious why all the old people just fell over...not even clutching their chest, just literally dropped dead.

Except the black guy. The black guy gets shot, of course. Why couldn't the black guy just fall over? And why couldn't the crazy sweatshirt man come up to David as an old man and stab him, or pour gasoline over him, or pee on him...I thought Alan Ball could've mixed it up just a little.

Ain't She Cute

And Zahara's not bad either- ba dum bum

pics from A Socialite's Life

Courtney Love With This Guy?

All the blogs are reporting that Courtney Love is pregnant with some english guy's baby. He hosts a spoof chat show in London, and was also in Around the World in 80 Days. Which is more surprising? Him with her or her with him?

Pick Your Gang

Which gang would you rather be in?

The Frat Pack: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson, Ben Stiller

The Frat Pack Part Two: Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart

The New Rat Pack: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon

What the F***...

is wrong with these people? They both look like circus sideshow freaks, or Andy Dick - which is basically the same thing.

Almost Taradise

How long has "Wild On" been called "Taradise"? Am I the last to hear this news? That is almost as good as Sean Combs now being called only Diddy, or the rumor that Britney is naming her baby Preston.

David Geffen Sighting

ET had a David Geffen sighting, read all about it:>

Here are the photos of Geffen's spread and the goons who guard it:


Mariah's Shoulders and Hilary's Teeth

Some pics from the Teen Choice Awards this weekend.

Mariah's shoulders look like a linebacker's.

Hilary capped her teeth and looks like those puppets in the Genesis video.

Kimberly Caldwell went straight from American Idol to crack.

Do the chickens have large talons?

Gwen, hollaback and get a new outfit.

Who's Your Fave Bald Guy?

It's been a slow entertainment week. When Entertainment Tonight is covering Sheryl Lee Ralph's wedding, over several days, then you know everyone is desperate for stories.

Six Feet Under cutie
Daytime dude

The guy that yells on Celebrity Fit Club

Gordon from Sesame Street

Man, Woman or Beast

You just can't tell anymore. When people become famous, do they want to look like non-humans? i don't get it.

R.I.P. Miss Ellie

Ok, so I thought she was already dead. But apparently Barbara Bel Geddes passed away. A lot of people know her as Miss Ellie from Dallas, but she was also in 2 important works of art: Vertigo, and the Hitchcock tv episode where she cooks the leg of lamb for the police investigating her husband's murder (she killed the hubby with the lamb leg, obv!). Why didn't Scott Peterson think of that?

Desperate Senate Race

Terry Hatcher is beginning to look like Katherine Harris (the Florida Secretary of State during the whole chad ballot debacle...she was also co-chair of Bush's Florida campaign and is now running for the Senate).

Will the real Tara Reid please identify yourself?

OJ Looking For the Real Killer at Deuce Bigelow- European Gigilo

What's he so happy about? Oh, right... I can't believe he is invited to a movie screening. Aren't these people afraid of pissing off the Juice?

Wouldn't you crap your pants if you went to a movie and OJ was there?

America: Are You Really This Bored?

The Dukes of Hazzard made $30 Million over the weekend.
It has a score of 19% on Rotten Tomatoes (that means it sucks).
Are guys this desperate for T&A?

Newsflash: Smoking Kills, Even Newsmen

Charles Gibson is reporting that Peter Jennings died. Now, I don't mean to be negative, but anyone who saw PJ give his goodbye speech, where he kept saying "I'll be back" like the Terminator, but he could barely talk (I assume due to the cancer in his lungs), knew he wasn't well. His face was pasty and he looked sickly. Give up the cigs people. Brad is for Angelina. If only Angelina had seduced Peter years ago...he might still be with us today. Maybe Angie could go around the world getting people to stop smoking.


The new ebony and ivory:

Lee Iacocca and Snoop Dogg - now there's a combo.

Martha's Back

I just saw a preview for the upcoming Apprentice with Martha Stewart. It didn't show much, but it did pique my interest because, it's Martha. She's sooo cranky, I love it. Did you ever watch the holiday specials when she snaps at the kids for not decorating properly? Priceless.

In Ted Casablanca's E!Online column he asks readers to send in their best suggestions for Martha's version of "You're Fired". Pretty much the expected lame expressions: "Bake off!" "Get out of my kitchen!" "You're compost!".

Personally, I would pee my pants, rewind, and pee again if Martha would tell contestants to "F*ck off" or "Get the F*ck out of here".

Say it with me people, that would be A Good Thing.